I think we can all agree that we just haven’t done enough for our public grocery stores. For example, there’s the fact that we don’t have any.

I guess we desperately need to do something though. The families of some children are poor and can’t afford proper nutrition. I’m certain that we can all agree that there is almost nothing of more importance to the development of a child than eating enough food to stay alive.

So, if we’re not going to do anything about public grocery stores, why is everyone so upset about public schools? After all, kids who aren’t educated are just dumb, they’re not dead.

Almost without exception, every carbon-based life form on this planet will tell you, “we just haven’t done enough for education.” Every Democrat, Republican, teacher, student, TV anchor, movie star, and passer-by will be quick to let you know, “we just haven’t done enough for education.”

Well, let’s review. We’ve built schools one so close to the next that you can stand at any one, throw a rock and hit another one. We’ve hired teachers, bought books, cooked breakfast and lunch and sent a bus out to pick up everybody’s kid. Not to mention the fact that we’ve made it mandatory that everyone go to school and that everyone help pay for public schools. Even people who don’t have kids are forced to pay to educate kids.

And this isn’t enough? Well, what in the name of Franklin Delano Roosevelt are we supposed to do?

I have a couple of suggestions. For starters, why don’t we just abolish the Federal Department of Education and save ourselves about 34 billion dollars next year? You know none of the people at the Federal Department of Education teach at a school anywhere. They don’t educate kids, they just second-guess people who do educate kids. They don’t write text books; they write rule books. They’re just a labor union for school teachers, and have you seen how much money school teachers make? Maybe half of what they should be making… maybe. That means that the Federal Department of Education is nothing more than a really, really bad labor union for school teachers.

A good friend of mine is retired from doing air-conditioning repair. For years he worked on systems at both private and public schools. He knows the real reason kids get a better education in private schools. As he put it, “when you walk into a public school, you hear the loud noise of children out of control. When you walk into a private school, the only thing you hear is teachers talking.”

Why can’t we return the school system to private enterprise? It puts companies into competition with only one goal: to provide the highest quality education possible at the lowest price. If they don’t achieve that goal, people will take their kids to the school that does. I bet we could even get a money-back guarantee on every graduate’s ability to read and write. Plus, it gets the government out of education so that we no longer have to debate the school prayer issue. Want your kid to pray at school? Fine, send them to a private religious school. Don't want your kid to pray at school? Fine, send them to a private school that doesn't allow it.

Currently, public schools get most of their funding from local property taxes. Poor people living in poor areas don’t raise as much money for education as rich people in rich areas. We could better serve the needs of the poor by providing education assistance in much the same way we handle food stamps today. Using food stamps, poor people shop at the same store and buy the same high-quality food that more affluent people buy for their families. Using education stamps, poor people could buy the same high-quality education that middle-class families buy for their kids.

But, while we’re on the subject, why don’t we do away with those archaic food stamps? Can’t the government even catch up to the 1970’s? We could achieve better results at less cost by issuing limited credit cards instead of food stamps. The cards could be limited to work for food purchases only, and people down on their luck wouldn’t be embarrassed to use them — their cards would look exactly like everyone else’s credit card. We could take competitive bids from private credit card companies and get a good price on managing the system. And unlike the Department of Agriculture (who issues food stamps), we could hold Master Card and Visa legally responsible for doing a good job. We’d also be able to keep track of lost or stolen cards and the amount and types of purchases made by a particular individual. It seems like that would help reduce fraud.

But wait a minute, we were talking about public grocery stores. Well, I don’t guess I have anything more to say about that really. I leave you with this pledge that I’d like each and every one of you to stand and recite every morning with your hand over your heart.

“I pledge allegiance to the Federal Department of Education, and to the unknown reason for which it stands, one bureaucracy, indisputable, with ignorance, and stupidity for all.”