A good friend of mine has what I think is an excellent idea: a WOOF army. WOOF is an acronym for “Worn Out Old Fart.” WOOF is also the sound old farts make when they're startled. (It sounds just like an old dog.)

Identifying WOOFs may seem confusing at first because they come in such a wide variety. For example, some of them may wear cowboy boots, slick their hair and listen to country music, while others may wear expensive suits, style their hair, and listen to the financial news. But once you know a few simple rules you can spot them easily.

A lot of them -- not all -- tend to lose the fur on top of their head. A lot of them -- not all -- tend to grow overly large stomachs. Almost without exception, all WOOFs will display one of these traits or the other. The way to remember it is: thin on top, thick in the middle or both.

But really, none of this is necessary if you can accurately determine their age. Male children grow to become part of the WOOF pack after around 40 or 50 years. At some later point in life, most men stop being WOOFs and become SAGEs (usually in their 70's), but that's another story.

Right now in America, we have a WOOF problem. All of the “baby boomers” are in the WOOF stage of manhood and we even have a few holdovers that never became SAGEs. Ladies and gentlemen, we have too many WOOFs.

They're not dying off like they used to. It seems like they just keep living longer and longer. A lot of them are smelly and loud. They wear funny clothes, tell bad jokes, hog the golf courses, and bog down the Internet because so many of them consider their computers nothing but “porn retrieval units.” They're a lot of trouble. Not to mention the fact that apparently, a whole bunch of them are actually planning to retire on nothing but Social Security!

My friends, if we're going to send ground troops into a war, I say we send in a sizeable portion of the WOOF pack first. Maybe all of them, I don't know. For example, one would assume that injury is likely in the field. So optimally, one would like to see a sufficient number of medical personnel out there. However, we would of course want to keep a generous supply of key personnel at home. So, we probably wouldn't send any WOOF firefighters, law enforcement officers, doctors, plumbers, or other emergency personnel. But I'm getting ahead of the game here. I'm sure issues like these will prove to be very difficult in committee.

It is easy to see the many advantages of the WOOF Army plan.

1. All of our current voluntary fighting force (that isn't already abroad) could remain where they are for obvious security reasons. We need our best, most capable fighting men and women to protect our homeland.
2. The current WOOF pack are highly trained at driving large, heavy-duty, high-performance vehicles. Many of them would be able to provide their own tank-like ground transportation of which they are capable of expertly operating at high speeds over varied terrain. Also note that studies show that driving these vehicles enhances the natural aggressive tendencies of the WOOF.
3. Millions of WOOFs regulary “hunt” where they have displayed not only basic skills such as highly accurate shooting, but high-tech skills such as radio communication and night vision as well. Again, they have their own equipment.
4. Thank God, millions still own small arms.
5. The WOOF pack have already outfitted themselves with an impressive arsenal of tools for maintenance and light destruction. They own millions of fully-stocked toolboxes, lawn tractors, axes, weedeaters, shovels, and power saws.
6. They say the soldiers we face are known to take drugs before going into battle. Say what you want, but there's no way they have more experience taking dope that do our WOOFs. After all, these guys “went to college” during the 1960's and 70's. I feel confident that the WOOFs have already supplied themselves with a vast array of drugs and well know the effects of each kind.
7. Our airline industry is currently experiencing a short-term cash flow problem. For decades they have proven they are capable of moving massive amounts of cargo and human resources at a moments notice. A lot of WOOFs have frequent flyer identification and a pocket full of credit cards. This looks like a golden opportunity to kill two birds with one stone: they can provide our transport needs, we can fix their cash flow problem. It's a win-win.
8. The WOOFs are old enough to truly understand why they should lay down their life for a common cause.
9. The WOOFs are the ones with children and grandchildren to protect.
10. The WOOFs know that innocent people are worth dying for.
11. Right now, you would not need a draft in the United States. I think the vast majority of these men would volunteer if called.

Do not think this is cruel. I am part of the WOOF pack myself. Yes, we're fat. Yes, we're out of shape. Yes, it's hard to get us out of our recliners. But if you do, you know we're gonna be pissed! We're cranky old farts. Don't forget, we Americans spend a lot of time intentionally killing each other. They say the terrain over there is “treacherous.” But have these people tried surviving the super highways of a major American city at 7AM on a workday?

I know these men can handle the job. I would not suggest it if I didn't.

I say send in the WOOF pack. According to the numbers I've seen, we have about 50 million WOOFs in the U.S. right now. I say we draw straws and pick the first 10 million WOOFs to go over there and “talk” to these people. We WOOFs can outfit ourselves. All we need is transportation.

I say we fly the WOOF pack over there with our guns, knives, SUVs, pickup trucks, four-wheelers, motorcycles, tractors, golf carts, and CD players. Just imagine the sight of 10 million pussle-gutted creative combers hauling ass across the desert, drinking beer, shooting their guns, revving their chain saws and yelling “WOOF.” My guess is, those people would soon be willing to agree to anything just to get us to go home. We might never have trouble with them again.

We're the biggest, richest, most powerful, most moral, most successful, most innovative, most God fearing country the world has ever seen. We have been living in freedom for over 200 years now and we simply will not give up what we have. There's 285 million people in this country. We have been attacked by 2 dozen murderers with plastic knives. This is not a time to panic. As my sister would say, it's time for us to “cowboy up.” It's time for us all to stand up on our hind legs and act like Americans.

God bless America.

WOOF

P.S.

If nothing else, surely everyone can donate to charity, buy some stock or fly somewhere.

I know you can all pray.